There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
