Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
