So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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