i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
He kissed a someone with a penis
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
