I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
