Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
