in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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