i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
