Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
worst night to have a conscience
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
