Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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