I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
