Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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