I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
