I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
True strength comes from lack of pants
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
