I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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