Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
