Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
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