Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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