Who did Billy Mays play for?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
