she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
