I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
