im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
These tits shall not be calmed
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
