The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
