I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
