yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
