If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
