Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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