if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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