Swine flu. Run for my life!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
