i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
