I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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