Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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