Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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