I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
