No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
