Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
