he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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