filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So much Jack, so little girl.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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