FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
