I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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