and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
