Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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