this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
