I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
