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Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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