i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
