so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
