Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
