i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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