A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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